Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.