Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
You Might Also Like
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance