Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
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Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is