Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
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It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.