Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

can’t talk my ride’s here

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.