Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

Netflix and awkward silence?

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean