Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
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You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
A recipe for laughter
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
This billboard speaks to me
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them