friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
You Might Also Like
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”
The human personality is made of five key elements
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”