Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can