Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.