friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
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Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
*watches the world burn*
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Atheists are Popeless romantics.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Big Sex has us all fooled
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RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
😂😂😂
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
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