Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

Traveler’s camo

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.