FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
You Might Also Like
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.