Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

🦝🔥🦝🔥

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”