FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
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I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.