Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

🤣🤣🤣

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”