Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.

Robin: Great!

Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.

Robin: Ummm….

Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

What the hell happened in there??

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

you’re so productive for your wage

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me