Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

My birth announcement for our third baby

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu