Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
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beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
logging onto twitter…
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.