friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
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ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
How do you like your Corgi?
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
it must be school picture day
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?