Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser