Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.