friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
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Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me: