Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers