Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”

1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

Bit chilly again tonight.

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.