Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
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No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
👾👾👾
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?