Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
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Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick