Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
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sin harder.
This is what makes twitter great
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent