Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

i can’t wait that long

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.