@Pappiness

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

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@dumbbeezie

That confusing moment when the person you hate at work brings donuts

@iamspacegirl

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

@just_evolved

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

@annaetuck

Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That’s the cheapest birth control you will ever have.

@Browtweaten

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

@BrownDogBlanket

I started an organization for the ethical treatment of plants.

Because we shouldn’t eat the things that make oxygen.

Your move Vegans

@sarabellab123

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.