Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
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This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃