Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

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That confusing moment when the person you hate at work brings donuts


friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?


When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.


Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease


Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That’s the cheapest birth control you will ever have.


I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are


I started an organization for the ethical treatment of plants.

Because we shouldn’t eat the things that make oxygen.

Your move Vegans


*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.