Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…

Send help!

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.