Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
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i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
🖕🏻👽
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?