Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

thinking about this

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

On my tombstone:

She died still despising
deconstructed food

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]