friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
You Might Also Like
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.