friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
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Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
set yourself free xox
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.