Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

😭

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

Ironic

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?

The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

💀

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever