Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
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“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen