Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

adding to the discourse

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.