Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.