Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
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If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
was Jim off killing horses or…
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
this site is so cooked lol
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
hey, alexa
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Owl Sanctuary
