Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.