Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

What flavor cupcake are these

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.