FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
You Might Also Like
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.