FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
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[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia