FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
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I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
LOL
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.