Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

Beards are a privilege, not a right

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

a New Yorker reject, for you

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

it was love at first sight

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.