Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
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I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
this is the best interaction on twitter
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”