Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.