Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.