Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

im 7 sauces long

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

💻🤡

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

Creative Problem Solving

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.