Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

Printer ink is expensive

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.