Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

Finished stitching this today 😇

ㅤ

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.

This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:

“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter