Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.