Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what