Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

That seems a conundrum…
🤔

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.

Life is a suicide mission.

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?