friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
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Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Yup.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!