friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
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In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Here’s a meme
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.