friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
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It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
my dad has had enough
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what