Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

I will never stop laughing at this

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.