Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
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today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?