Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
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Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Somebody’s lying.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.