Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
You Might Also Like
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon