Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

🥃