Friend: OMG, someone wrote “Wash Me B*tch!” on your car!
Me: Oh, I wrote that as a reminder to myself.
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I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
The answer is funnier than the question
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby