Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

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My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her