Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
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me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician