Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…