Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

I hate everything

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

okay run it by me one more time

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.