Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

*swipes right on my hand mirror

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite