Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

Grew big

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

*cough*

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

Happy Caturday!