[Friend opens Christmas present]
Me: It’s a lie detector
Friend: Oh… I love it
Me: (whispering) we’ll see

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This woman at work sounds just like me. I’m going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.


[sloth wedding]


[six months later]



I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.


Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*


Nothing says “We have no faith in our own products” like using a 16 year old girl in your anti-aging cream commercials.


drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,


Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.