@ruinedpicnic

[Friend opens Christmas present]
Me: It’s a lie detector
Friend: Oh… I love it
Me: (whispering) we’ll see

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@suntzufuntzu

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

@BoogTweets

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

@GrantTanaka

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

@allthenachos

An online dating service but to match you up with prospective burritos.

@NYC_Blonde

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

@KirillWasHere

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

@thepunningman

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

@RandiLawson

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

@Angel_150913

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.