Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
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My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Happy thanksgiving
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???