Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.