Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
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if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!