Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.