FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
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WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Let’s Go
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
You might just have to resign…
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park